Strength is my favorite word. Always has been.

Hi Jojoba.

So tomorrow I´m going to Rome! I had a moment of major weakness tonight. I have been trying to get in contact with Risa about Israel, and was only just able to. I wont be able to go there. First off, its 600 dollars one way. 2nd, she lives with 3 other girls, one of them in the same bedroom. I had no idea, I was completely confused obviously and had it all wrong. She said I could stay for a little bit, maybe a week...but no more because it would be rude to her roommates. I completely agree and apologized because I didnt know...so I said nevermind. Ill visit her next summer with Birthright.

So I sat here at my hostel saying, OK. NOW WHAT?! I do still want to go home....itś not because im scared or this is hard...its still the boredom factor. Ive been very entertained this week with my new friend Paddy, but hes gone now and even so, this just isnt what I really want to be doing. My heart isnt in the right place for it. I have loved this trip. I have learned so much. About myself, the world, life, love, etc. But I said, NO. I cant go home. I have to stick this out, just to prove to myself I can. I might be miserable at points, yes, but I am extremely happy at points too. I feel the best about myself and life than I ever have. EVER. Im confident. Im happy. Im looking forward to my bright future. But I am here. So I might as well make the best of it that I can. Ill be home someday, just not tomorrow. GOOD. People need a break from me, hehe.

I spent the day just walking around Prague, getting lost, window shopping, writing. It was glorious. I literally felt amazing, so at peace. I´ve realized a lot about how I am my own maker of the world. I create my happiness and I take it away. I don beleive in soulmates anymore. I beleive that I am here for me, and if I find others along the way that make it better, so be it. But ultimately...I am what matters.

Damn that feels fucking good to say that.

I cant wait until I am home and I can do what I want to do. Im going to JUMP right back into the acting thing. Go full throttle. Get myself an agent. Get a real job and STICK TO IT. Im gonna grow the fuck uppppppppppppp! Im going to hang out with my friends. Take solo walks. Go see theatre. Drink wine. Read. Fuck I am excited for life. Life is good man, it really is. Im going to stop taking advantage of it. And the people around me. HEY KIDS, listen to me! Listen to what I am saying and how I feel! STRIVE TO DO THE SAME! YOU CAN! If I did, anyone can ;)

I swear, EVERYONE in Prague drives a beaver (station wagon for those of you who dont know) - BEAVER here BEAVER there. Its so funny.

Oh and I have one other thing to mention. You knw how in America at bars there are nuts or popcorn sitting out on bars? Just for anyone? Well, aparently itś not like that here hahhaa. Some guy had nuts next to him, I went up t the bar to order a drink, saw his nuts (giggle) and took one. He just looked up at me like what the hell? and started laughing. I realizd my mistake, he had ordered them specially! I apologized and ran away. HAHAHAHHAHA.

Something ive realized too...you dont just stop loving someone. you dont fall out of love quickly. it just doesnt happen. i pushed people away this summer. i wouldnt let anyone love me, nor did i love anyone. but now that ive stepped away from it all, i do realize how much i do love my people at home. i can love again. it is always possible. you say certain words, oh i hate them. oh i dont want be here. but they dont mean anything until you make them mean something. just saying it, convincing yourself of it...doesnt count. because its not real. dont just give up . you try again. you struggle. if there was no struggle in life, there would be no good either.

Im reading the book, The Power of Now. Its amazing and enlightening. One of my favorite quotes is this: ´´Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form....love is not selective. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.´´ We had a pretty good amount of it. Love. And it is not lost. It was just shoved under a mat for awhile, but it can be brought out once again. That is what I believe about life. I believe others do too. Otherwise, all hope is lost.

My Irishman friend is amazing. He has changed my life, helped me grow. Helped me see the best of life. He went to Vienna today and wrote me this a few minutes ago. I just want to post it. Its not meant to brag, not meant to be like wow, look how amazing i am love me blah blah. its meant to show how different i have become and how good i feel. and how i can make others feel good too. ahhhh thank you very much ;)

´´I guess what I´m trying to say is the time we spent together affected me in
a deep and profound way. Normally I´m not the sentimental type but your
personality and the way you wear your heart on your sleeve encouraged me to
do the same. Your a gift to this world Lindsay and I´m so grateful that for whatever
reason our lives collided in the empty hostel with the cranky hosts. We
cheered each other up and, whisper it, even had some fun too. You´ve made me a better person by just being yourself. Enjoy your travels and stay "strong." - Paddy