I'm sitting in Rose's bed right now, back in London. Felt very strange to leave Oxford, but also in a way, very good. It was a wonderful little trip. I got to think and remenise about so many things in the past. It also gave me a lot of time to think of things in the future. One thing I just can't seem to get out of my mind is the word "LOVE." Just the meaning of it, What is it. to really love? Is it a luxury only some are supposed to have? And if one does ever have it, why would you throw it all away? Love really does make the world go round. Every where I look, I see it in some form. An elderly couple. Sisters. Young love flitting about. It makes me really wonder why people don't appreciate it more, how we all take it for granted. Love is the most precious gift anyone could recieve. It is our reason for living. To share memories, to share laughs, to share smiles, to share hearts and souls. If we could, why wouldn't we be in love our entire lives? Or be more thankful for it? I don't know, its hard to explain how I am feeling, really. I just miss the people that I love a lot. I've had a lot of time to just sit around and watch a park and see all the love that walks through it. You don't need breaks from love. You don't need time off from love. What you do need, what we all need, is time to stand back, look at our lives, our situtations, the love we have for ourselves and others....and see how we can make it better. Make it gro.w.
I took advantage of love. With family, friends, relationships. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I don't want that done to me! I want to give all the love I have, ALL the time to the world! Especially to the people nearest and dearest. It's been a very long time since I've sat down and thought like this, which is what I've been doing for a week straight now. It feels good. I need to do this more often when I go home.
One other big thing I've noticed is that most people aren't happy. REALLY happy. As I sat in the Oxford town square just people watching, I wondered how many of the people around me were actualy happy with their lives and they way they live it. 20 out of 100? 50? 34? Probably someting very low though. I've decided I don't want to be like them anymore. We all shouldn't. We have one life to live. One. Why not make every single day as happy as possible? Do what YOU want. Surround tyourself with loved ones, people who make you feel best about yourself and life. If you don't like a situation, you change it. You work on it. You strive to live the happiest life you possibly can. I've decided, that's what I am going to do. Live every day as if it's my last! Stop moping about with a woe-is-me atttitude and get out there and make it better! I'm sick and tired of all the shit! I truly feel a real change.
I miss home. I'm not very happy here. So I need to change that. I did already. I cancelled all of my hostels and flights. I am going to just see where this trip takes me. See how long it takes me. If I come home in 2 weeks, or 6, or 20. I'll come home when it is right for me and it feels good for me. I don't want to force myself to try and have fun, to try and live up to other peoples standards. Yes, eveyone says, nOOO stay you are so stupid! But you know what? They aren't me. I am not scared. I am not running away from something that is so big and scary and makes me want to run home crying. I just simply feel like this isn't the right step for me, it's not where I should be or what I should be doing with my life right now. Maybe some day, yes. But right now I want to be out there. Living. But not alone. I want to share my love with others. MY others. Which I am finding to be extremely difficult when you are across an ocean...I had to come here though. I had to figure all of this out on my own. I wasn't going to understand it all until I was ready. I am ready. I hear it all now. I am very happy I am came here. Life wouldn't of been the same without it.
If I do come home early, please don't think less of me. Don't think I am a scared little girl. Not that I really care what people think about me and this whole thing? It is ALL FOR ME. But simply for the fact that I want people to see my real situtation and respect and learn from me. Do what makes you feel good. Try new things. Go across an ocean if it scares you. I did. And I found exactly what I was looking for, something that has been hiding for a very long time....
ME.
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Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you,
Remember I'll always be true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend I am kissing,
The lips I am missing,
And hope that my dreams will come true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving, I will send to you,
All my loving, darling, I'll be true. - All My Loving by The Beatles
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Ah, love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the sky is blue
it makes me cry - Because by The Beatles
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