im so silly! ive been using this blog to pour my guts out, to...to, i dont even know. but not for what i should be doing! that stuff is private. most of it atleast. a lot of it is good for people to know obviously, but seriously? i should be just telling you all oh, this is what i did today...blah blah. so i think ill compromise and do a bit of both. that seems to work.
i feel good. im in rome.
its been an iffy past few days, but i immediately got here and started feeling GREAT. my plane was delayed yesterday for 3 hours, then i had to take a longass train from the airport to the city center, then i had to walk to find my hostel and got lost...so it was a MESS of a day. but i felt very proud to make it through ok and figure it all out on my own. i must say, this just proves to myself how strong and independent i can be! woo!
so i got into the hostel, and IMMEDIATELY people were talking to me, offering me beers, etc etc. a bunch of solo guys from all over have been staying there for over a week bc they just have so much fun. i bonded with them straight away and another girl and we all just drank and partied in the hostel. then we decided to go to a bar, like 15 of us, so we went on a LONG long walk around rome to a bar. the girl ended up drinking too much so she got sick and blah blah. i had to take care of her and we had to carry her home. thats the second time ive helped out a random stranger at my hostel when they get sick. i did it for a guy in prague. stupid kids, cant control themselves. but overall it was one of the most fun nights ever. all these guys, me and the drunk girl just wandering rome. most of the guys were from canada, england or the US so we could talk just fine.
today i just walked around rome, went to the collisium, (not inside it though, they didnt take credit cards and i didnt have enough euro on me, so i waited in line for over an HOUR for nothing!! grrrr) the forum, etc. its so gorgeous, everywhere you turn there is another ancient runes! the weather is also BEAUTIFUL! warm! flip flops and tshirts! sunny! such a change from cold rainy prague. i love it. i have a feeling im going to stay in rome for awhile hanging out with these guys. we have a blast together and it feels good to be having a lot of fun. gives me lots of confidence too, knowing that they all like me so much. ive really recognized that a lot this trip, like whoa...i am actually cool! haha people love to be around me! sweet!
i keep getting a million comments on my....well, not really mine, but the uh, dog=tag bracelet i have on. i love being able to tell a bit of a story that goes with it. people find it facinating. i love learning about other people too! i run around being like, ok who are you. whats your deal. name, address, occupation..etc. its fun as hell. so interesting, everyone is so different!!!
never again will i take advantage of the little things in life. thats todays lesson. if someone buys you a chocolate bar, swedish fish, anything...just because they think it will make you happier, APPRECIATE IT. I didnt, now I regret it. Its the little stuff like that, that can make every day better. There really are good people in the world. Thats a thing a good person does. I want to cook too. I really am going to get back into it when I get home. Im intrigued. I also have been working out, well kind of. Doing situps and stuff in the hostel. Its all I can do really, cant go running...so. But I stopped biting my nails! YAY! It really WAS gross. Umm what else. I am eating very healthy and I feel sooo good about my body. I am living my life, FINALLY, the way that I have always wanted to! And beleive me, this will keep going even when I get home. Its fantaaaastic. Oh, but I did have Nutella Gilato today. MMMM im aloud to cheat once...just for that. so good.
yay italy! pretty people everywhere. mostly women actually. they all look like margherita, it makes me sad hahaha. but thats ok, im pretty too, just different. giggle giggle. but i will admit, i DID like seeing the cute italian men dressed up as ancient roman gladiators near the collisieum or howoever u spell it. wont complain about that...
love and miss you all like crazy...but im off for champagne monday. its what the drunk girl came up with last night...oy vey!!!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Strength is my favorite word. Always has been.
Hi Jojoba.
So tomorrow I´m going to Rome! I had a moment of major weakness tonight. I have been trying to get in contact with Risa about Israel, and was only just able to. I wont be able to go there. First off, its 600 dollars one way. 2nd, she lives with 3 other girls, one of them in the same bedroom. I had no idea, I was completely confused obviously and had it all wrong. She said I could stay for a little bit, maybe a week...but no more because it would be rude to her roommates. I completely agree and apologized because I didnt know...so I said nevermind. Ill visit her next summer with Birthright.
So I sat here at my hostel saying, OK. NOW WHAT?! I do still want to go home....itś not because im scared or this is hard...its still the boredom factor. Ive been very entertained this week with my new friend Paddy, but hes gone now and even so, this just isnt what I really want to be doing. My heart isnt in the right place for it. I have loved this trip. I have learned so much. About myself, the world, life, love, etc. But I said, NO. I cant go home. I have to stick this out, just to prove to myself I can. I might be miserable at points, yes, but I am extremely happy at points too. I feel the best about myself and life than I ever have. EVER. Im confident. Im happy. Im looking forward to my bright future. But I am here. So I might as well make the best of it that I can. Ill be home someday, just not tomorrow. GOOD. People need a break from me, hehe.
I spent the day just walking around Prague, getting lost, window shopping, writing. It was glorious. I literally felt amazing, so at peace. I´ve realized a lot about how I am my own maker of the world. I create my happiness and I take it away. I don beleive in soulmates anymore. I beleive that I am here for me, and if I find others along the way that make it better, so be it. But ultimately...I am what matters.
Damn that feels fucking good to say that.
I cant wait until I am home and I can do what I want to do. Im going to JUMP right back into the acting thing. Go full throttle. Get myself an agent. Get a real job and STICK TO IT. Im gonna grow the fuck uppppppppppppp! Im going to hang out with my friends. Take solo walks. Go see theatre. Drink wine. Read. Fuck I am excited for life. Life is good man, it really is. Im going to stop taking advantage of it. And the people around me. HEY KIDS, listen to me! Listen to what I am saying and how I feel! STRIVE TO DO THE SAME! YOU CAN! If I did, anyone can ;)
I swear, EVERYONE in Prague drives a beaver (station wagon for those of you who dont know) - BEAVER here BEAVER there. Its so funny.
Oh and I have one other thing to mention. You knw how in America at bars there are nuts or popcorn sitting out on bars? Just for anyone? Well, aparently itś not like that here hahhaa. Some guy had nuts next to him, I went up t the bar to order a drink, saw his nuts (giggle) and took one. He just looked up at me like what the hell? and started laughing. I realizd my mistake, he had ordered them specially! I apologized and ran away. HAHAHAHHAHA.
Something ive realized too...you dont just stop loving someone. you dont fall out of love quickly. it just doesnt happen. i pushed people away this summer. i wouldnt let anyone love me, nor did i love anyone. but now that ive stepped away from it all, i do realize how much i do love my people at home. i can love again. it is always possible. you say certain words, oh i hate them. oh i dont want be here. but they dont mean anything until you make them mean something. just saying it, convincing yourself of it...doesnt count. because its not real. dont just give up . you try again. you struggle. if there was no struggle in life, there would be no good either.
Im reading the book, The Power of Now. Its amazing and enlightening. One of my favorite quotes is this: ´´Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form....love is not selective. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.´´ We had a pretty good amount of it. Love. And it is not lost. It was just shoved under a mat for awhile, but it can be brought out once again. That is what I believe about life. I believe others do too. Otherwise, all hope is lost.
My Irishman friend is amazing. He has changed my life, helped me grow. Helped me see the best of life. He went to Vienna today and wrote me this a few minutes ago. I just want to post it. Its not meant to brag, not meant to be like wow, look how amazing i am love me blah blah. its meant to show how different i have become and how good i feel. and how i can make others feel good too. ahhhh thank you very much ;)
´´I guess what I´m trying to say is the time we spent together affected me in
a deep and profound way. Normally I´m not the sentimental type but your
personality and the way you wear your heart on your sleeve encouraged me to
do the same. Your a gift to this world Lindsay and I´m so grateful that for whatever
reason our lives collided in the empty hostel with the cranky hosts. We
cheered each other up and, whisper it, even had some fun too. You´ve made me a better person by just being yourself. Enjoy your travels and stay "strong." - Paddy
So tomorrow I´m going to Rome! I had a moment of major weakness tonight. I have been trying to get in contact with Risa about Israel, and was only just able to. I wont be able to go there. First off, its 600 dollars one way. 2nd, she lives with 3 other girls, one of them in the same bedroom. I had no idea, I was completely confused obviously and had it all wrong. She said I could stay for a little bit, maybe a week...but no more because it would be rude to her roommates. I completely agree and apologized because I didnt know...so I said nevermind. Ill visit her next summer with Birthright.
So I sat here at my hostel saying, OK. NOW WHAT?! I do still want to go home....itś not because im scared or this is hard...its still the boredom factor. Ive been very entertained this week with my new friend Paddy, but hes gone now and even so, this just isnt what I really want to be doing. My heart isnt in the right place for it. I have loved this trip. I have learned so much. About myself, the world, life, love, etc. But I said, NO. I cant go home. I have to stick this out, just to prove to myself I can. I might be miserable at points, yes, but I am extremely happy at points too. I feel the best about myself and life than I ever have. EVER. Im confident. Im happy. Im looking forward to my bright future. But I am here. So I might as well make the best of it that I can. Ill be home someday, just not tomorrow. GOOD. People need a break from me, hehe.
I spent the day just walking around Prague, getting lost, window shopping, writing. It was glorious. I literally felt amazing, so at peace. I´ve realized a lot about how I am my own maker of the world. I create my happiness and I take it away. I don beleive in soulmates anymore. I beleive that I am here for me, and if I find others along the way that make it better, so be it. But ultimately...I am what matters.
Damn that feels fucking good to say that.
I cant wait until I am home and I can do what I want to do. Im going to JUMP right back into the acting thing. Go full throttle. Get myself an agent. Get a real job and STICK TO IT. Im gonna grow the fuck uppppppppppppp! Im going to hang out with my friends. Take solo walks. Go see theatre. Drink wine. Read. Fuck I am excited for life. Life is good man, it really is. Im going to stop taking advantage of it. And the people around me. HEY KIDS, listen to me! Listen to what I am saying and how I feel! STRIVE TO DO THE SAME! YOU CAN! If I did, anyone can ;)
I swear, EVERYONE in Prague drives a beaver (station wagon for those of you who dont know) - BEAVER here BEAVER there. Its so funny.
Oh and I have one other thing to mention. You knw how in America at bars there are nuts or popcorn sitting out on bars? Just for anyone? Well, aparently itś not like that here hahhaa. Some guy had nuts next to him, I went up t the bar to order a drink, saw his nuts (giggle) and took one. He just looked up at me like what the hell? and started laughing. I realizd my mistake, he had ordered them specially! I apologized and ran away. HAHAHAHHAHA.
Something ive realized too...you dont just stop loving someone. you dont fall out of love quickly. it just doesnt happen. i pushed people away this summer. i wouldnt let anyone love me, nor did i love anyone. but now that ive stepped away from it all, i do realize how much i do love my people at home. i can love again. it is always possible. you say certain words, oh i hate them. oh i dont want be here. but they dont mean anything until you make them mean something. just saying it, convincing yourself of it...doesnt count. because its not real. dont just give up . you try again. you struggle. if there was no struggle in life, there would be no good either.
Im reading the book, The Power of Now. Its amazing and enlightening. One of my favorite quotes is this: ´´Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form....love is not selective. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.´´ We had a pretty good amount of it. Love. And it is not lost. It was just shoved under a mat for awhile, but it can be brought out once again. That is what I believe about life. I believe others do too. Otherwise, all hope is lost.
My Irishman friend is amazing. He has changed my life, helped me grow. Helped me see the best of life. He went to Vienna today and wrote me this a few minutes ago. I just want to post it. Its not meant to brag, not meant to be like wow, look how amazing i am love me blah blah. its meant to show how different i have become and how good i feel. and how i can make others feel good too. ahhhh thank you very much ;)
´´I guess what I´m trying to say is the time we spent together affected me in
a deep and profound way. Normally I´m not the sentimental type but your
personality and the way you wear your heart on your sleeve encouraged me to
do the same. Your a gift to this world Lindsay and I´m so grateful that for whatever
reason our lives collided in the empty hostel with the cranky hosts. We
cheered each other up and, whisper it, even had some fun too. You´ve made me a better person by just being yourself. Enjoy your travels and stay "strong." - Paddy
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friends friends friends!
I love my friends. I truly do. You kids are amazing. I wouldnt be who I am today without you. You are brilliant, strong, beautiful, fun, inspiring people. And I friggin love you for that. I feel for Laura. Our situations are similiar right now. Check out her blog, ¨Southern in the City¨ - link is on the right side of this page, down a bit. She words it all beautifully. I know how horrible all of this can be and I know how strong she is. She and I will both pull through life better people, especially with the help of each other and our friends. She is a wonderful woman and only does deserve the best.
I miss my best friend. The companionship.
So, what am I going to do? Visit my OTHER best friend, RISA! In Israel! She moved there months ago and I miss her soooooooooooooooooooo much. I´m lonely and bored here, she invited me there. Why wouldnt I go and hang out in a gorgeous, warm place with the girl I love? Sounds a hell of a lot better than here!!! I´ll keep this updated as I know if itś definite or not...I kind of just woke up this morning, had this impulse and want to act upon it! Damn I am impulsive! Spontaneous! This whole trip has been like that for me! Cancelling everything, coming to Prague...doing things never done before. I FUCKING LOVE IT. Itś so me! The me I lost this summer! Im back and in action and ready to take on life with a big ol' FUCK YEAHHHHHH! Dude, Im awesome!
---------------------------------------
Well you call me your baby
when you're holding my hand,
But the way that you hurt me
I just don't understand.
Well you say that you need me
like an ocean needs sand.
But the way you deceive me
I just don't understand.
Well you know that I love you
more than anyone can.
But a one sided love
I just don't understand.
Well you know that I love you
more than anyone can.
But a one sided love
I just don't understand.
Well you call me your baby
when you're holding my hand,
Oh how you can hurt me
I just can't understand. - The Beatles
I miss my best friend. The companionship.
So, what am I going to do? Visit my OTHER best friend, RISA! In Israel! She moved there months ago and I miss her soooooooooooooooooooo much. I´m lonely and bored here, she invited me there. Why wouldnt I go and hang out in a gorgeous, warm place with the girl I love? Sounds a hell of a lot better than here!!! I´ll keep this updated as I know if itś definite or not...I kind of just woke up this morning, had this impulse and want to act upon it! Damn I am impulsive! Spontaneous! This whole trip has been like that for me! Cancelling everything, coming to Prague...doing things never done before. I FUCKING LOVE IT. Itś so me! The me I lost this summer! Im back and in action and ready to take on life with a big ol' FUCK YEAHHHHHH! Dude, Im awesome!
---------------------------------------
Well you call me your baby
when you're holding my hand,
But the way that you hurt me
I just don't understand.
Well you say that you need me
like an ocean needs sand.
But the way you deceive me
I just don't understand.
Well you know that I love you
more than anyone can.
But a one sided love
I just don't understand.
Well you know that I love you
more than anyone can.
But a one sided love
I just don't understand.
Well you call me your baby
when you're holding my hand,
Oh how you can hurt me
I just can't understand. - The Beatles
Thursday, October 25, 2007
its the best thing that you've ever had - the best thing that you've ever had has gone away
I am not coming home. I'm in hell here, I'm in hell there. I might as well make the best of this prettier hell while I am here. I'll learn something else. I'll figure life out. I'll give others the chance to fix their shit and realize how wrong they were. All in good time. As for now, I'm letting go. Moving on. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I know who I am. I know what I've done wrong. I know what I can do to make it right. To LET GO. If I fall, flat on my face, alone. Fine. I can just pick myself right back up. I'm strong. I'm smart. I'm better than this. If people only gave me the chance, I could make them the happiest they could ever be.
On a little less of a deeper note...Prague! It's amazing here. I am on of the only girls in this hostel hahah its friggin great! Going out with all of these guys made me realize, holy shit! I am still hot! I can still flirt and get guys and they all seem into me! I still have that charm, if that doesn't sound too cocky haha. Not cocky, confident. I know I can get whatever I want. Might as well play with it. Not actually do anything, but have my fun, make myself feel better. Dude, I am awesome. I am a catch. I haven't realized this in so long. I thought I was shit, "why would he ever want me?" FUCK THAT. I am amazing. Someone should be so lucky to have me! I'm cool, fun, pretty, smart, outgoing, caring, compassionate. I have a lot of love and a lot of smiles to give. Someday I'll find someone to appreciate that. You never know what you've got til its gone.
I have a cold. Boo. It's not bad just makes this trip more annoying. Saw Prague castle yesterday, man! It is so unbelievable. So pretty. It's amazing what man-kind is capable of. Had a traditional czech duck dinner last night too, Patrick the Irishman took me out. Aw! A-sexual people are funny. He was really good to me though, really trying to just be a friend. It felt good to have someone who cared. Someone who was geniune and wanted to talk.
I am going to take everyday as it comes. See what happens to me in life. People make mistakes. You just need to realize them and then change it. Life is made up of second chances. Things can always get better. If not, you can always say atleast you tried. I have hope. Hope for me, the world, friends, boys, life. Without hope, the world around us comes crumbeling down.
----------------------------------
Just call on me
When you're lonely.
I'll keep my love
For you only.
I'll call on you
If I'm lonely too.
Understand I'll stay
With you every day.
Make you love me more
In every way.
So if you want me
Just like I want you.
You know what to do. - The Beatles
-------------------------
Two jumps in a week i bet you think thats prtty clever dont you boy
flying on your motorcycle watching all the ground beneath you drop
you'd kill yourself for reacognision kill yourself to never ever stop
you broke another mirror your turing into something you are not
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
drying up in comversation you will be the one who cannot talk
all your insides fall to pieces you just sit there wishing you could still make love
there the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
there the ones who'll spit at you, you will be the on screaming out
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
oh its the best thing that you've ever had the best thing that you've ever,ever had
its the best thing that you've ever had the best thing that you've ever had has gone away - High and Dry by Radiohead
On a little less of a deeper note...Prague! It's amazing here. I am on of the only girls in this hostel hahah its friggin great! Going out with all of these guys made me realize, holy shit! I am still hot! I can still flirt and get guys and they all seem into me! I still have that charm, if that doesn't sound too cocky haha. Not cocky, confident. I know I can get whatever I want. Might as well play with it. Not actually do anything, but have my fun, make myself feel better. Dude, I am awesome. I am a catch. I haven't realized this in so long. I thought I was shit, "why would he ever want me?" FUCK THAT. I am amazing. Someone should be so lucky to have me! I'm cool, fun, pretty, smart, outgoing, caring, compassionate. I have a lot of love and a lot of smiles to give. Someday I'll find someone to appreciate that. You never know what you've got til its gone.
I have a cold. Boo. It's not bad just makes this trip more annoying. Saw Prague castle yesterday, man! It is so unbelievable. So pretty. It's amazing what man-kind is capable of. Had a traditional czech duck dinner last night too, Patrick the Irishman took me out. Aw! A-sexual people are funny. He was really good to me though, really trying to just be a friend. It felt good to have someone who cared. Someone who was geniune and wanted to talk.
I am going to take everyday as it comes. See what happens to me in life. People make mistakes. You just need to realize them and then change it. Life is made up of second chances. Things can always get better. If not, you can always say atleast you tried. I have hope. Hope for me, the world, friends, boys, life. Without hope, the world around us comes crumbeling down.
----------------------------------
Just call on me
When you're lonely.
I'll keep my love
For you only.
I'll call on you
If I'm lonely too.
Understand I'll stay
With you every day.
Make you love me more
In every way.
So if you want me
Just like I want you.
You know what to do. - The Beatles
-------------------------
Two jumps in a week i bet you think thats prtty clever dont you boy
flying on your motorcycle watching all the ground beneath you drop
you'd kill yourself for reacognision kill yourself to never ever stop
you broke another mirror your turing into something you are not
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
drying up in comversation you will be the one who cannot talk
all your insides fall to pieces you just sit there wishing you could still make love
there the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
there the ones who'll spit at you, you will be the on screaming out
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
dont leave me high, dont leave me dry
oh its the best thing that you've ever had the best thing that you've ever,ever had
its the best thing that you've ever had the best thing that you've ever had has gone away - High and Dry by Radiohead
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Childhood dreams...
I'm in Prague right now. Got here last night very late. I've decided to stay her for a bit, as long as i feel like it, really. It feels great to be doing whatever I want, not have a scheduale with this trip, you know? This trip, whoa. What to really say about it? It's eye opening, beautiful, boring, lonely, exciting, horrible. Everything all meshed into one. I haven't decided yet what my next move is though. If I go to Italy, home, anywhere. I've been meeting people, but nothing too exciting. As the movie "Fight Club" would put it, these are single serving friends!
Met a young Irish lad at breakfast this morning and we spent the whole day together exploring the city. He is absolutely lovely. Very shy and innocent in the begninng, not my thing, but once we started really talking he completely opened up. He is actually quite fun, very intellegent and really good at having the deep conversations. I have missed REAL conversation so much! I felt like today was one of the first times I have had it since NY. If this trip keeps having a lack of it, I will certainly be home sooner than expected. I can't live without human contact, I just can't. It's not who I am, what makes me happy. And if I had to take this trip to learn that, then so be it. He leaves tomorrow though, so once again...I shall explore on my own.
I think I would prefer to cut this trip a bit early, save my money, and do it instead next summer with my sister. I think overall it would be more worthwhile. I have learned what I came here to learn. Quickly, yes...but I did. No denying that. This city is beautiful though. It really is like a fantasy town! It's been a childhood dream of mine to come here, so it feels amazing to actually be here and see all the things I've wished for. Met a couple on the street, walking their dogs. They were from NYC! Westchester too. Made me really excited actually to meet someone from home, talk about the same things...etc. They live here now, and LOVE it. I could live here some day. Cheap, beautiful, lots of character, not the hustle and bustle of NYC and just sooooo gorgeous.
This isn't hard, just boring. But it's getting better. I'm smiling a lot more. I can see myself interacting with people differently. Laughing a lot more. Not judging as much. Feeling good about myself. It's nice to have that confidence back. I feel much more alive and more like me. Tomorrow I think I will go to Prague Castle...AHH!!
--------------------
Just what I am feeling right now. Sorry if it's not right:
Don't let me down
Nobody ever loved me like he does
Ooh he does. Yes he does
And if somebody loved me
Like he do me
Ooh he do me. Yes he does
Don't let me down
I'm in love for the first time
Don't you know it's going to last
It's a love that lasts forever
It's a love that has no past
Don't let me down - The Beatles
--------------------------------
I was alone, I took a ride,
I didn't know what I would find there.
Another road where maybe I
Could see another kind of mind there.
Ooh then I suddenly see you,
Ooh did I tell you I need you
Ev'ry single day of life?
You didn't run, you didn't lie,
You knew I wanted just to hold you,
And had you gone, you knew in time
We'd meet again for I had to hold you.
Ooh you were meant to be near me,
Ooh and I want to hear me,
Say we'll be together ev'ry day.
Got to get you into my life.
What can I do, what can I be?
When I'm with you I want to stay there.
If I'm true I'll never leave,
And if I do I know the way there.
Ooh then I suddenly see you,
Ooh did I tell you I need you
Ev'ry single day of my life?
Got to get you into my life. - The Beatles
Met a young Irish lad at breakfast this morning and we spent the whole day together exploring the city. He is absolutely lovely. Very shy and innocent in the begninng, not my thing, but once we started really talking he completely opened up. He is actually quite fun, very intellegent and really good at having the deep conversations. I have missed REAL conversation so much! I felt like today was one of the first times I have had it since NY. If this trip keeps having a lack of it, I will certainly be home sooner than expected. I can't live without human contact, I just can't. It's not who I am, what makes me happy. And if I had to take this trip to learn that, then so be it. He leaves tomorrow though, so once again...I shall explore on my own.
I think I would prefer to cut this trip a bit early, save my money, and do it instead next summer with my sister. I think overall it would be more worthwhile. I have learned what I came here to learn. Quickly, yes...but I did. No denying that. This city is beautiful though. It really is like a fantasy town! It's been a childhood dream of mine to come here, so it feels amazing to actually be here and see all the things I've wished for. Met a couple on the street, walking their dogs. They were from NYC! Westchester too. Made me really excited actually to meet someone from home, talk about the same things...etc. They live here now, and LOVE it. I could live here some day. Cheap, beautiful, lots of character, not the hustle and bustle of NYC and just sooooo gorgeous.
This isn't hard, just boring. But it's getting better. I'm smiling a lot more. I can see myself interacting with people differently. Laughing a lot more. Not judging as much. Feeling good about myself. It's nice to have that confidence back. I feel much more alive and more like me. Tomorrow I think I will go to Prague Castle...AHH!!
--------------------
Just what I am feeling right now. Sorry if it's not right:
Don't let me down
Nobody ever loved me like he does
Ooh he does. Yes he does
And if somebody loved me
Like he do me
Ooh he do me. Yes he does
Don't let me down
I'm in love for the first time
Don't you know it's going to last
It's a love that lasts forever
It's a love that has no past
Don't let me down - The Beatles
--------------------------------
I was alone, I took a ride,
I didn't know what I would find there.
Another road where maybe I
Could see another kind of mind there.
Ooh then I suddenly see you,
Ooh did I tell you I need you
Ev'ry single day of life?
You didn't run, you didn't lie,
You knew I wanted just to hold you,
And had you gone, you knew in time
We'd meet again for I had to hold you.
Ooh you were meant to be near me,
Ooh and I want to hear me,
Say we'll be together ev'ry day.
Got to get you into my life.
What can I do, what can I be?
When I'm with you I want to stay there.
If I'm true I'll never leave,
And if I do I know the way there.
Ooh then I suddenly see you,
Ooh did I tell you I need you
Ev'ry single day of my life?
Got to get you into my life. - The Beatles
Saturday, October 20, 2007
my new thing is beatles quotes
I'm sitting in Rose's bed right now, back in London. Felt very strange to leave Oxford, but also in a way, very good. It was a wonderful little trip. I got to think and remenise about so many things in the past. It also gave me a lot of time to think of things in the future. One thing I just can't seem to get out of my mind is the word "LOVE." Just the meaning of it, What is it. to really love? Is it a luxury only some are supposed to have? And if one does ever have it, why would you throw it all away? Love really does make the world go round. Every where I look, I see it in some form. An elderly couple. Sisters. Young love flitting about. It makes me really wonder why people don't appreciate it more, how we all take it for granted. Love is the most precious gift anyone could recieve. It is our reason for living. To share memories, to share laughs, to share smiles, to share hearts and souls. If we could, why wouldn't we be in love our entire lives? Or be more thankful for it? I don't know, its hard to explain how I am feeling, really. I just miss the people that I love a lot. I've had a lot of time to just sit around and watch a park and see all the love that walks through it. You don't need breaks from love. You don't need time off from love. What you do need, what we all need, is time to stand back, look at our lives, our situtations, the love we have for ourselves and others....and see how we can make it better. Make it gro.w.
I took advantage of love. With family, friends, relationships. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I don't want that done to me! I want to give all the love I have, ALL the time to the world! Especially to the people nearest and dearest. It's been a very long time since I've sat down and thought like this, which is what I've been doing for a week straight now. It feels good. I need to do this more often when I go home.
One other big thing I've noticed is that most people aren't happy. REALLY happy. As I sat in the Oxford town square just people watching, I wondered how many of the people around me were actualy happy with their lives and they way they live it. 20 out of 100? 50? 34? Probably someting very low though. I've decided I don't want to be like them anymore. We all shouldn't. We have one life to live. One. Why not make every single day as happy as possible? Do what YOU want. Surround tyourself with loved ones, people who make you feel best about yourself and life. If you don't like a situation, you change it. You work on it. You strive to live the happiest life you possibly can. I've decided, that's what I am going to do. Live every day as if it's my last! Stop moping about with a woe-is-me atttitude and get out there and make it better! I'm sick and tired of all the shit! I truly feel a real change.
I miss home. I'm not very happy here. So I need to change that. I did already. I cancelled all of my hostels and flights. I am going to just see where this trip takes me. See how long it takes me. If I come home in 2 weeks, or 6, or 20. I'll come home when it is right for me and it feels good for me. I don't want to force myself to try and have fun, to try and live up to other peoples standards. Yes, eveyone says, nOOO stay you are so stupid! But you know what? They aren't me. I am not scared. I am not running away from something that is so big and scary and makes me want to run home crying. I just simply feel like this isn't the right step for me, it's not where I should be or what I should be doing with my life right now. Maybe some day, yes. But right now I want to be out there. Living. But not alone. I want to share my love with others. MY others. Which I am finding to be extremely difficult when you are across an ocean...I had to come here though. I had to figure all of this out on my own. I wasn't going to understand it all until I was ready. I am ready. I hear it all now. I am very happy I am came here. Life wouldn't of been the same without it.
If I do come home early, please don't think less of me. Don't think I am a scared little girl. Not that I really care what people think about me and this whole thing? It is ALL FOR ME. But simply for the fact that I want people to see my real situtation and respect and learn from me. Do what makes you feel good. Try new things. Go across an ocean if it scares you. I did. And I found exactly what I was looking for, something that has been hiding for a very long time....
ME.
------------------------
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you,
Remember I'll always be true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend I am kissing,
The lips I am missing,
And hope that my dreams will come true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving, I will send to you,
All my loving, darling, I'll be true. - All My Loving by The Beatles
----------------------------
Ah, love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the sky is blue
it makes me cry - Because by The Beatles
I took advantage of love. With family, friends, relationships. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I don't want that done to me! I want to give all the love I have, ALL the time to the world! Especially to the people nearest and dearest. It's been a very long time since I've sat down and thought like this, which is what I've been doing for a week straight now. It feels good. I need to do this more often when I go home.
One other big thing I've noticed is that most people aren't happy. REALLY happy. As I sat in the Oxford town square just people watching, I wondered how many of the people around me were actualy happy with their lives and they way they live it. 20 out of 100? 50? 34? Probably someting very low though. I've decided I don't want to be like them anymore. We all shouldn't. We have one life to live. One. Why not make every single day as happy as possible? Do what YOU want. Surround tyourself with loved ones, people who make you feel best about yourself and life. If you don't like a situation, you change it. You work on it. You strive to live the happiest life you possibly can. I've decided, that's what I am going to do. Live every day as if it's my last! Stop moping about with a woe-is-me atttitude and get out there and make it better! I'm sick and tired of all the shit! I truly feel a real change.
I miss home. I'm not very happy here. So I need to change that. I did already. I cancelled all of my hostels and flights. I am going to just see where this trip takes me. See how long it takes me. If I come home in 2 weeks, or 6, or 20. I'll come home when it is right for me and it feels good for me. I don't want to force myself to try and have fun, to try and live up to other peoples standards. Yes, eveyone says, nOOO stay you are so stupid! But you know what? They aren't me. I am not scared. I am not running away from something that is so big and scary and makes me want to run home crying. I just simply feel like this isn't the right step for me, it's not where I should be or what I should be doing with my life right now. Maybe some day, yes. But right now I want to be out there. Living. But not alone. I want to share my love with others. MY others. Which I am finding to be extremely difficult when you are across an ocean...I had to come here though. I had to figure all of this out on my own. I wasn't going to understand it all until I was ready. I am ready. I hear it all now. I am very happy I am came here. Life wouldn't of been the same without it.
If I do come home early, please don't think less of me. Don't think I am a scared little girl. Not that I really care what people think about me and this whole thing? It is ALL FOR ME. But simply for the fact that I want people to see my real situtation and respect and learn from me. Do what makes you feel good. Try new things. Go across an ocean if it scares you. I did. And I found exactly what I was looking for, something that has been hiding for a very long time....
ME.
------------------------
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you,
Remember I'll always be true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
I'll pretend I am kissing,
The lips I am missing,
And hope that my dreams will come true,
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.
All my loving, I will send to you,
All my loving, darling, I'll be true. - All My Loving by The Beatles
----------------------------
Ah, love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you
Because the sky is blue
it makes me cry - Because by The Beatles
Friday, October 19, 2007
Oxford, my old home!
I'm here in Oxford. Everywhere I turn it's somewhere I've been, some crazy memory rushs back to me from 4 years ago. It makes me so happy. I really loved this place and the people I was with. Taught me a lot about life. I met some great girls from Denmark here. We went out last night with 3 weird Israeli boys and a guy from Cornell thats doing a semester abroad here at Oxford. It was a blast, for awhile. Kind of just drank a bit and had some good broken english conversations. I'm staying here an extra night, more to relax. Its a great hostel and I can really chill out here, which I need. I am going back to London tomorrow and meeting Rose for lunch then crashing at her place. On Sunday I want to fly to Prague. I want to throw my entire trip out the window and start anew.
So I am. I also don't like this. I dont like being here alone. I'm just not that person, this isn't for everyone. I'm fine with admitting that. This wasnt a mistake, I am very happy I'm doing this, I just want to not do it the way I planned or for as long. So I am going to go to Prague for 4-5 days then head to Italy for 2 weeks. I'll come home after that prob. Give me a good month here. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I'm doing what I WANT. Good for me.
But I have had a ton of time to think and reflect on my life and realize all that was wrong with it and what I want to change. There is so much I want to change, and I don't want to wait 2 months to do it. I want to wait 3 weeks, at most. I really am happy I've had this time, it made me learn. I really think I can change my life now, the way I live it day to day. I just hope others accept it...especially one.
I've been taking walks in gardens and parks, and man do I love that. Reading in them too. I need to do THAT more often.
So I am. I also don't like this. I dont like being here alone. I'm just not that person, this isn't for everyone. I'm fine with admitting that. This wasnt a mistake, I am very happy I'm doing this, I just want to not do it the way I planned or for as long. So I am going to go to Prague for 4-5 days then head to Italy for 2 weeks. I'll come home after that prob. Give me a good month here. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I'm doing what I WANT. Good for me.
But I have had a ton of time to think and reflect on my life and realize all that was wrong with it and what I want to change. There is so much I want to change, and I don't want to wait 2 months to do it. I want to wait 3 weeks, at most. I really am happy I've had this time, it made me learn. I really think I can change my life now, the way I live it day to day. I just hope others accept it...especially one.
I've been taking walks in gardens and parks, and man do I love that. Reading in them too. I need to do THAT more often.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
'ello from merry ol' London!
Well, I'm here! It's so very strange so be here alone. I love the freedom of being able to do what I want, when I want...but it's really hard doing it all by myself. Every time I want to point something out to someone, or laugh, or comment...I can't. But I guess that's the point of all this? To do things on my own. To think. Figure stuff out. It will just take some time to adjust and get used to. But it's ok. It's an experience!
So, HOSTELS. Whoa, talk about a change! It's a mixture of summer camp and the first day at the Neighborhood Playhouse. Bunk beds, 16 strangers. Noise, light, commotion. No one has been very friendly at this particular one, I am really hoping that changes! I need to make SOME friends, you know? But it's ok, I slept like a baby for the most part. Been reading a bunch too. Especially Into the Wild. It's so beautiful!
Been doing fun things. Yesterday I went to the Westminster Abbey. I swear, that and Parliament, Big Ben...etc. are some of the most beautiful places in the world! In the church, I saw Lewis Carroll's plaque/grave thing. It read, "Is all of life, then but a dream?" I find that to be one of the most amazing sentences in the world. Especially coming from a man I have grown to love and admire. Had some good ol' fish and chips and a pint at pub near Trafalgar Sq. last night too, yummy!!
Today I went to London Tower and Covent Gardens. I'm now just walking around town seeing what else I can find before meeting Rose for drinks later on. BTW, the subway here is soooo much better then NY's! They have cushioned seats! AH! So, tomorrow I am going to go to the British Museum, check out the Egypt stuff ;) Then on Thursday, to Oxford! I can't WAIT for that! Well, I am off for now. I'll write soon. To all I left at home, I send my love. I miss home, I do. I miss some of the people. A LOT. But that is good. In the end, this will be good for me, no matter what hardships I face along the way. And it will be good for others around me. For I shall be stronger in the future, I will do better at making this world a better place. I can promise you that.
From London....CHEERIO!
So, HOSTELS. Whoa, talk about a change! It's a mixture of summer camp and the first day at the Neighborhood Playhouse. Bunk beds, 16 strangers. Noise, light, commotion. No one has been very friendly at this particular one, I am really hoping that changes! I need to make SOME friends, you know? But it's ok, I slept like a baby for the most part. Been reading a bunch too. Especially Into the Wild. It's so beautiful!
Been doing fun things. Yesterday I went to the Westminster Abbey. I swear, that and Parliament, Big Ben...etc. are some of the most beautiful places in the world! In the church, I saw Lewis Carroll's plaque/grave thing. It read, "Is all of life, then but a dream?" I find that to be one of the most amazing sentences in the world. Especially coming from a man I have grown to love and admire. Had some good ol' fish and chips and a pint at pub near Trafalgar Sq. last night too, yummy!!
Today I went to London Tower and Covent Gardens. I'm now just walking around town seeing what else I can find before meeting Rose for drinks later on. BTW, the subway here is soooo much better then NY's! They have cushioned seats! AH! So, tomorrow I am going to go to the British Museum, check out the Egypt stuff ;) Then on Thursday, to Oxford! I can't WAIT for that! Well, I am off for now. I'll write soon. To all I left at home, I send my love. I miss home, I do. I miss some of the people. A LOT. But that is good. In the end, this will be good for me, no matter what hardships I face along the way. And it will be good for others around me. For I shall be stronger in the future, I will do better at making this world a better place. I can promise you that.
From London....CHEERIO!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Want to write me?
If anyone ever gets the urge to be totally old school, feel free to write me a letter! Here is where I will be and when! AH! If you want, go to Hostelworld.com and type in the name of the Hostel I am staying in and then all the information, pictures...etc. will come up!
Lindsay’s Big Grand European Adventure Itinerary
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Booking reference: ZONA44
British Airways Flight BA0116
From: John F Kennedy (New York) Terminal 7 To: Heathrow (London)
Depart: 14 Oct 2007 8:01 pm Arrive: 15 Oct 2007 8:00 am
Monday, October 15 – Tuesday, October 16 – Wednesday, October 17 – London, England
Journeys Paddington - 16 Bed Mixed GBP $24.30
308 Edgware Road
E-mail: info@bestplacehostels.com Phone: +44(0)207 723 7980
Thursday, October 18 – Oxford, England
Central Backpackers - 12 Bed Mixed $31.37
13 Park End Street
Email: oxford@centralbackpackers.co.uk Phone: +44-1865-242288
Friday, October 19 – Saturday, October 20 – London, England
Picadilly Backpackers Hostel -
12 Sherwood Street , Piccadilly, London W1F 7BR, United Kingdom
E-mail: bookings@piccadillybackpackers
Sunday, October 21 – Monday, October 22 – Tuesday, October 23 – Paris, France
Young and Happy Hostel - 6 Mixed Dorm
80 rue Mouffetard, 75005 Paris
E-mail: smile@youngandhappy.fr Phone: 01 47 07 47 07
Wednesday, October 24 – Thursday, October 25 – Friday, October 26 – Brussels, Belgium
Youth Hostel Van Gogh (Chab) - 6 Bed Female Dorm - $67.62
rue Traversiere 8, 1210 Bruxelles
E-mail: info@chab.be Phone: +32 2 2170158
Saturday, October 27 – Sunday, October 28 – Monday, October 29 – Amsterdam, Netherlands
Flying Pig Uptown - 12 Mixed Dorm - € 64.70
Vossiusstraat 46, 1071 AJ Amsterdam, Netherlands
E-mail: uptown@flyingpig.nl Phone: +31 (20) 400 41 87
Tuesday, October 30 – Wednesday, October 31 – Thursday, November 1 – Berlin, Germany
The Circus Hostel - 5 Mixed Dorm - $80.30
Weinbergsweg 1a, 10119
E-mail: info@circus-berlin.de Phone: +49 30 28391433
Friday, November 2 – through Tuesday, November 6 – Prague, Czech Republic
The Boathouse - 5 Mixed Dorm - $76.10
Lodnicka 1, 147 00 Prague 4
E-mail: boathouse@volny.cz Phone: +420 241 770 051
Wombats City Hostel – The Lounge - 6 Female Dorm - $71.85
Mariahilfer Strasse 137
E-mail: office@wombats-vienna.at Phone: +43 (0)1 8972336
Saturday, November 10 – Sunday, November 11 – Monday, November 12 – Salzburg, Austria
YoHo International Youth Hostel - 6 Female Dorm - $76.07
Paracelsusstr. 9, A 5020 Salzburg
E-mail: yoho@yoho.at Phone: +43 662 879649
Wombats City Hostel - 10 Mixed Dorm - $33.81
Senefelderstrasse 1, 80336 Munich
E-mail: office@wombats-munich.de Phone: +49 89 59989180
Thursday, November 15 – Friday, November 16 – Saturday, November 17 – Lucerne, Switzerland
Backpackers Lucerne - 10 Mixed Dorm -
Alpenquai 42, CH-6005 Luzern
E-mail: info@backpackerslucerne.ch Phone: +41 41 360 04 20
Sunday, November 18 – Monday, November 19 – Tuesday, November 20 – Venice, Italy
Hotel CaSa Linger - 4 Mixed Dorm - $97.21
Fondamtenta S.Antonin castello 3541
E-mail: hotelcasalinger@hotmail.com Phone: +39 0415285920
Wednesday, November 21 – Thursday, November 22 – Friday, November 23 – Florence, Italy
Hotel Sampaoli - 6 Female Dorm - $75.65
Via San Gallo 14
E-mail: hotelinflorence@gmail.com Phone: 39 055 284834
Saturday, November 24 – through – Tuesday, November 27 – Rome, Italy
Chianti Hostel - 8 Mixed Dorm - $81.15
Via Carlo Alberto, 53,
E-mail: info@backpackers.it Phone: +39 06 48 93 05 56
Mamì Camilla - 12 Mixed Dorm - $84.53
Via Cocumella no.04
E-mail: info@mamicamilla.com Phone: 0390818770667
Saturday, December 1 – Ferryboat from Bari, Italy to Patras, Greece
Leaves at 8PM - SUPERFAST VI
We have booked 1 Female Dormitory - Total fare: 36 euro
Reservation code: 83010196 Expiry date: 12.11.07
Sunday, December 2 – through - Thursday, December 6 – Athens, Greece
Athens Backpackers - 6 Female Dorm - $126.79
12 Makri Street, 11742 Athens
E-mail: booking@backpackers.gr Phone: +30 210 922 4044
12:45 pm - 4:55 pm – Flying: Alitalia
Itinerary number: 121411496549
Athens Depart 12:45 pm to Milan (MXP) Arrive 2:30 pm Flight # 733
Milan Depart 3:20 pm to Barcelona (BCN) Arrive 4:55 pm Flight # 52
Friday, December 7 – through - Monday, December 10 – Barcelona, Spain
Mambo Tango Backpackers Hostel - 6 Mixed Dorm - $115.52
C/ Poeta Cabanyes 23,
E-mail: info@hostelmambotango.com Phone: +34 93 4425164
Tuesday, December 11 - Wednesday, December 12 - Thursday, December 13 – Madrid, Spain
Cats Hostel - 10 Female Dorm - $84.53
Cañizares nº6, 28012
E-mail: info@catshostel.com Phone: +34 91 369 28 07
Friday, December 14 – through -Monday, December 17 – Malaga, Spain
The Melting Pot Backpackers Hostel Malaga - 6 Female Dorm - $101.43
Paseo de Salvador Rueda, 9
E-mail: hostelthemeltingpot@hotmail.com Phone: +34 952 600 571
Easy Jet Airlines - Flight 5178
Departing at 11:00 - Arriving at 12:45 @ London Gatwick (South Terminal)
Booking Reference Number: ECV9BKV
Tuesday, December 18 – London, England
Sleeping somewhere! Whichever hostel I liked better when I first arrived in London, I’ll make the reservation when I am there in Oct! YAY
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
British Airways Flight BA0115
From: Heathrow (London) Terminal 4 To: John F Kennedy (NY)
Depart: 19 Dec 2007 4:00 pm Arrive: 19 Dec 2007 6:45pm
TOMORROW!!!
This time tomorrow...this exact moment...I will be in London. HOLY SHIT. Excuse my french! Hehe..wait, France is NEXT!
I feel good.
Right now, I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I am embarking on the journey of a lifetime. This is going to be so good for me and so good for all the people around me. And I am leaving this country on a good note...with friends, family, boys...life.
This will be good.
Stay tuned for my first update on my BIG Grand European Adventure! Starting with England...TOMORROW!!!
I feel good.
Right now, I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I am embarking on the journey of a lifetime. This is going to be so good for me and so good for all the people around me. And I am leaving this country on a good note...with friends, family, boys...life.
This will be good.
Stay tuned for my first update on my BIG Grand European Adventure! Starting with England...TOMORROW!!!
Friday, October 5, 2007
New Itinerary
So, I've changed my itinerary quite a bit. I leave in a little over a week, EEEK so excited! Things are really starting to fall into place. I'm learning about places, finding friends who have friends over there for me, booking hostels...etc... My parents come home today from their Grand Chinese Adventure so it will be helpful for me to have mom around to prep me and help me shop. Next Saturday night, Maggie and I will be at a bar celebrating out departures (her to Texas for a month with her bf) and calling it a "Leaving Logan Home Alone" party. Poor boy, all alone in the apartment! I'm sure he will love it, hehe. So yes, my new itinerary. PLEASE e-mail me addresses ASAP so I can send you postcards when I get there! Gracias! -- (see, practicing my Spanish for Spain already...oh I am so good! heh)
Fly to London - visit Oxford
Chunnel to Paris
Train to Brussels
Train to Amsterdam
Train to Berlin
Train to Prague
Train to Vienna
Train to Salzburg, Austria
Train to Munich, Germany
Train to Luzern, Switzerland
Train to Venice
Train to Florence
Train to Rome
Train to Sorrento - visit Naples, Pompeii
Boat to Athens, Greece
Fly to Milan
Train to Marseilles
Train to Barcelona
Train to Madrid
Fly back to London
Fly home to NYC!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fly to London - visit Oxford
Chunnel to Paris
Train to Brussels
Train to Amsterdam
Train to Berlin
Train to Prague
Train to Vienna
Train to Salzburg, Austria
Train to Munich, Germany
Train to Luzern, Switzerland
Train to Venice
Train to Florence
Train to Rome
Train to Sorrento - visit Naples, Pompeii
Boat to Athens, Greece
Fly to Milan
Train to Marseilles
Train to Barcelona
Train to Madrid
Fly back to London
Fly home to NYC!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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